10 Things Craigslist's "Erotic Services" Taught Me About Prostitutes

The surprisingly short Wikipedia page for Craig Newmark (the Craig in craigslist) seems very much incomplete. Nowhere in the 107 words (which is 935 words shorter than rapper Craig Mack's Wikipedia page) will you find any mention of two of Newmark's greatest accomplishments: Craig singlehandedly took down the print journalism world by offering classified ads for the low price of free as Will Leitch and others have suggested and he brought the world's oldest profession into the 21st century with his "Erotic Services" category.

No longer are whores limited to the street corners of America. Just by simply posting an ad on the Craigslist of their local metropolitan area, prostitutes can market their services to a plethora of possible customers without leaving the comfort of their homes.

Not only has the "Erotic Services" benefited the ladies of the night (and/or day) but it's also helped me. No, not like that. The benefits these ads have given me are of the educational nature, teaching me about the rare species best known as a whore.

Just as Craig has given back, I too am here to give back to you with the education I have acquired simply by browsing the pages of Craigslist's Erotic Services. The things I do for you, the readers.

Here's my list of the 10 things Craigslist "Erotic Services" has taught me about prostitutes.

1. Hookers know their way around photo editing software.


Look at Camille's ability to add word art to her camera phone quality pic. Who wouldn't want to spend some quality time with a girl who can add sizzling letters that spell out her name over her photo? I'll tell you who. Guys who aren't into breaking the law and/or guys who will judge the girl for not cropping the bottom of the photo. That's who.

2. Prostitutes do not accept cash.
This one may be the biggest shocker to you guys but hookers aren't performing their services in exchange for dollars. No, they are operating on a different sort of currency system. Some are looking for "200 hugs" or "150 roses." I think my arms would start hurting after 20 hugs, and I am not sure where I would ever find that many roses, so I think I'd at least ask if the young lady would like some cash for her trouble. I mean you can't pay tuition in hugs or roses, right?

3. If you are a whore, there is no more popular pose to sell yourself than down on all fours.


The second most popular pose is just a back turned to the camera bare ass shot, but this is a family show so we'll just stay from those. Interestingly, the third most popular pose is also a popular pose among the kids on the MySpace, the stand in the mirror of your bathroom shot.
4. In a crowded market, the ladies turn to symbols and punctuation marks to separate themselves from the rest of the pack of prostitutes.
The following are headlines copied and pasted from the Los Angeles Erotic Services page:

• *!!* Sultry Blonde Naughty Ready to Play *!!* - w4m - 21 -
• ¨!¨*:•.:¦:- ♥A__D__D__I__C__T__I__V__E♥-:¦:.•:*¨!*:•.:¦:! - - w4m - 22 -
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~SWEET~~~~~ASIAN~~~~~STUDENT~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - w4m - 21 -

I know you guys are thinking the same thing I am thinking, look at the tildas on that sweet Asian.

5. Prostitutes are shy.


You would think that women who are offering their bodies to strange men would be oozing with confidence, but as you can see these young ladies are too shy to show their faces.

6. Many of the hookers are just in town for one night, or are new in town and just looking for some fun.
What better way to take in the local flavor while you are in town for a short period of time or new in town than to meet with a strange man for thirty minutes? That sounds like fun.

7. Prostitutes enjoy bringing along their friends.


Because like many of the ads will tell you, "two is always better than one."

Um, maybe not always.

8. Despite their savvy for technology like the Internet and photo editing, prostitutes do not know how to respond to emails or text messages.
Many of the young ladies will end their advertisements with messages like "no text or email" and will ask to only be contacted over the phone. Their phone numbers are then featured in the ad but in some sort of numeral/word/symbol code for you to decipher.

Here are a few examples (area codes have been removed just so I don't get into any trouble):

• 304 # THREE.FOUR.THREE.EIGHT
• 5*7*2-9*5*3*1*
• )))21007(((ELEVEN)))

9. Their photos are always "real," 100% real.
Whether the girls look like this...
Or this...
Or even this...
Remember that the girl who posted the ad looks exactly like that photo. The girls promise that they are 100% real.

10. Prostitutes do not get maternity leave


UPDATE: For more fun with the ladies of Craigslist "Erotic Services" check out my quiz.