Top 5 Most Unnecessarily Sexy Costumes

Today marks the beginning of the weekend before Halloween. That's a big deal. Do you know why that's a big deal? Of course you do. In case you don't, I'll explain.

The weekend before Halloween is when most of us, and by "us" I mean people who don't go out and get hammered on a day called Wednesday because we have jobs, partake in Halloween parties. Tonight and tomorrow night, girls across America will make their dads proud with costumes that are too short, too low cut and have thrown the word "sexy" in front of something that shouldn't have the word sexy in front of.

For the girls who normally dress like this, girls the experts like to call skanks, sluts or hoochies, the only thing different about this weekend might be that they are wearing paint on their face. They are going to have to do something special to separate themselves from the rest of the pack to let the guys know, "hey, I'm not one of these amateur once-a-year skanks I am a full-time skank." That's when the real spirit of the holiday comes out. Over the weekend, I'm going to do some scouring of MySpace to find some great halloween photos from girls I don't know and we can play a little game of "Skank for a Day or Skank All the Way." That will come your way next week.

In the mean time, enjoy a collection of the most unnecessarily sexy costumes.

5. The Sexy Housewife:
I appreciate the effort, as I do with all of the "sexy" costumes, but this one doesn't make much sense. For one, what does an actual housewife who happens to be sexy wear? Couldn't this costume simply be sweatpants and a t-shirt if worn by the right person. This is more like a skank's everyday uniform with awful props. Ladies, you could spend $47.95 on this, but I'm not sure why you would. If you really wanted to be a "sexy housewife" you would just throw on that dress you bought the last time you broke up with a dude and were looking to go to the club for some rebound sex, then throw on a fake wedding ring. For some extra authenticity carry the soul of your husband, without that you're just some chick with a ring. All married woman steal their husband's soul.
4. Sexy Home Depot Employee:
Ever walk into Home Depot and think, I wonder what a slutty looking girl would look like in one of those orange smocks? Me neither. For those who have been wondering though, here you go. Call me old fashion but I like my Home Depot employees to be the furthest thing from sexy, I want them to be missing fingers and sporting beards thicker than a terrorist's. Sexy and hardware aren't exactly a perfect pair, they go together like MTV reality shows and um...reality.
3. The Sexy Suspender Wearing Girl:
I have no idea what this costume is supposed to emulate. The website didn't give it one of its clever titles. Suspenders don't usually make you think "sexy" but when you don't wear anything else but suspenders and you look like this model does, and trust me most girls don't look like this model, you've got to think sexy right? I guess the same is true with shoes, wristbands, jewelery and pretty much any other accessory. Take any accessory and make it the main attraction of your outfit but not wearing anything else and well you've successfully slutted it up. I could and should have gone with the Sexy Valet Parker, because seriously when have you ever seen a sexy valet parker? But how could I not include this picture?
2. The Sexy Eskimo:
No location on the map says "sexy" quite like the Arctic. Sure Miami and San Diego were just voted the most attractive cities, and both of those places have warm weather and beaches but think about how hot snow is. How many layers would you have to take off before you got to see any skin on an Eskimo? I will admit, of all the costumes, this is the least hoochified. But still, a sexy Eskimo it's like they are running out of ideas.
1. The Sexy Ho:
Before Halloween evolved into "National Slut it Up Night" the Ho costume meant something. These days, if you are going as a Ho, you're just a skank who lacks creativity. So what you wore a slutty dress, so did all the other girls but they added props to that slutty dress. That's what makes their outfits costumes and yours is just an outfit.